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Thursday, June 16, 2011

It's not the end of the world after all.

I haven't blogged in over a month.  It's crazy.  I know what most of you out there were thinking: IS IT THE APOCALYPSE OR WHAT?????  Nope.  Just me being... uninspired is the wrong word because my girls give me plenty of inspiration every day... call it "in a funk".

Why have I been in this funk, you ask.  Why have I left you so uninformed, so terribly cute-picture-less, so LOST, WHY OH WHY?  So many things.  I'll try to be brief...

Since last I blogged...

My grandfather passed away.  We were very close.  It was a hard thing for so many people in my family.  The service was in Dallas (4 hours away) on a weekday, so Brian was unable to attend, leaving me to make the trip by myself with both girls.  Luckily I had my sister's help, but it was still a stressful thing.

Also, my dog, Kronk, had a cancer relapse and I made the decision to have him euthanized.  (You can read about what led up to this here and here.)  In the end, he ended up with a lot of abdominal pain as the cancer grew back.  We tried several different pain meds in various combinations and nothing could manage his pain well.  He was either in pain or knocked out from the drugs, there was no in-between.  I thought I had had enough time to prepare for it, but seeing him go was still really hard.

And then Mira asked a lot of questions afterward, as she tried to understand what was happening.  And those were some hard questions for me to answer.  Not because I didn't know what to say (I'm pretty happy with the conversations that we had about death and grieving) but just because, with these two deaths, I was an emotional wreck and it was hard for me to talk about it at all.

Plus (and here's the heart of the matter, if I'm being truthful about why I've not been motivated to blog), I've been struggling a bit with PPD.  Nothing serious, no thoughts of hurting myself or the girls.  But I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot, unmotivated, isolated, and just sad a lot.  And I find myself undermining my own attempts to better my situation.  It's been going on for several months now, so I know it's likely PPD.  I've honestly been very hesitant to let anyone know about it.  Partially, hiding my struggle is just another way that I'm undermining myself (and even as I'm writing this, I'm fighting the urge to just delete this whole paragraph).  Partially, I have been reluctant to talk about it because I feel a need to hide these negative feelings from my children, lest I make my problem their problem.  And the third "partially" is that I was hiding that I had PPD because I am embarrassed about it and I don't want people to make a huge fuss over me.  I MADE IT TO THE END OF THAT PARAGRAPH WITHOUT PUSHING DELETE ONCE, SO DAMMIT, IT'S STAYING IN.  (Sorry, just a note to myself so that I wouldn't delete the paragraph right before pressing the publish button.  Oh passive-aggressive side, you thought you could trick me, but no!)

And we've just been really busy in general.  During this past blog-less month, we've also gone on a 4-day family vacation, celebrated Brian's birthday, Mother's Day, my sister's graduation from high school, and Brian was best man in a friend's wedding.  So lots of good stuff too, but it's all been a little overwhelming for me  and I let a few things slide, the blog among them.  But now I'm hoping that I'm getting back on the bloggy waggon, cuz that's where the FUN is.  Plus I've got some catching up to do and my OCD side keeps asking me "WHAT ABOUT THOSE EASTER PICTURES????  One day in the distant future, you will be looking back through the blog and wondering what happened for Easter of 2011 and THERE WILL BE NO ANSWER!  HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE IT?"  Yes, these are the conversations I have with myself.  Back away slowly.

5 comments:

Marcy said...

It's been one hell of a past several months for you. It wouldn't be surprising to experience some level of depression from just ONE of these recent events (birth + multiple deaths), let alone all of them combined and happening right on top of each other. Hope you're able to feel better soon.

(BTW your comment about wanting to hide your feelings from your children reminded me of this post that I read a while ago, might be an interesting read:
http://herbadmother.com/2011/02/coloring-between-the-lines/ )

laurie said...

Glad you blogged this, Laura. Takes guts, and really helps: probably you, definitely others.

I feel kinda shabby that I haven't even checked in a month, just happened to go looking now and there you were.

Looking forward, honestly, to seeing you and the girls and Brian. Hopefully you can be comfortable just being you, whatever mood, when we get together. And we can be better at noticing if it's a chicken little day.

laurie said...

Glad you blogged this, Laura. Takes guts, and really helps-- hopefully you, but definitely others.

I feel kinda shabby that I haven't even checked in a month, just happened to go looking now and there you were. Dealing with death of really significant loved ones naturally throws us into grieving in its myriad forms and tempos. And the hormones, the busyness, the emotional demands of parenting an infant and a 2 yr old kinda probably run directly counter to what would help the grieving run its course. You are where you are, and doing what you need to be doing, well. (I'd surely say).

Looking forward, honestly, to seeing you and the girls and Brian. Hopefully you can be comfortable just being you, whatever mood, when we get together. And we can be better at noticing if it's a chicken little day.

bwortham said...

Laura, thanks for sharing what you're going through. All of us who loved Papa are missing him terribly; the sadness can be overwhelming. Losing a special pet is hard, too. Finally, hormones can mess with your brain chemistry and cause depression. I never had PPD, but I suffered with depression during my last pregnancy. Here are some things I found that helped: Get together with friends. A play group or mom's group is helpful. Arrange a weekly lunch with a friend. Go outside; walk; take the kids to the park or the pool. Talk to your doctor. Most of all, Laura, know that this time you have with your children is precious. Don't be afraid to tell Mira you're feeling sad. Before you know it, they will be going off to school and you will wonder where the time went. They stay little for such a short time. Savor every moment. I hope this helps. You're not alone.

Aunt Barbara

Anjea said...

I suspected as much for several reasons, but I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with PPD. You guys have had a lot on your plates over the last several months, and that combined with the pregnancy hormone bottoming-out would be enough to send anyone over the edge. Even though you're working through it and the depression is mild, I would strongly recommend talking to your doctor and getting on some meds. They will expedite this process, keep you more engaged in the things that are important to you, and prevent it from getting worse. Even if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your family, as your depression - even if mild - will still be felt in various ways by them.

If you need anything, you know where to find us. *hugs*