I haven't blogged in over a month. It's crazy. I know what most of you out there were thinking: IS IT THE APOCALYPSE OR WHAT????? Nope. Just me being... uninspired is the wrong word because my girls give me plenty of inspiration every day... call it "in a funk".
Why have I been in this funk, you ask. Why have I left you so uninformed, so terribly cute-picture-less, so LOST, WHY OH WHY? So many things. I'll try to be brief...
Since last I blogged...
My grandfather passed away. We were very close. It was a hard thing for so many people in my family. The service was in Dallas (4 hours away) on a weekday, so Brian was unable to attend, leaving me to make the trip by myself with both girls. Luckily I had my sister's help, but it was still a stressful thing.
Also, my dog, Kronk, had a cancer relapse and I made the decision to have him euthanized. (You can read about what led up to this here and here.) In the end, he ended up with a lot of abdominal pain as the cancer grew back. We tried several different pain meds in various combinations and nothing could manage his pain well. He was either in pain or knocked out from the drugs, there was no in-between. I thought I had had enough time to prepare for it, but seeing him go was still really hard.
And then Mira asked a lot of questions afterward, as she tried to understand what was happening. And those were some hard questions for me to answer. Not because I didn't know what to say (I'm pretty happy with the conversations that we had about death and grieving) but just because, with these two deaths, I was an emotional wreck and it was hard for me to talk about it at all.
Plus (and here's the heart of the matter, if I'm being truthful about why I've not been motivated to blog), I've been struggling a bit with PPD. Nothing serious, no thoughts of hurting myself or the girls. But I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot, unmotivated, isolated, and just sad a lot. And I find myself undermining my own attempts to better my situation. It's been going on for several months now, so I know it's likely PPD. I've honestly been very hesitant to let anyone know about it. Partially, hiding my struggle is just another way that I'm undermining myself (and even as I'm writing this, I'm fighting the urge to just delete this whole paragraph). Partially, I have been reluctant to talk about it because I feel a need to hide these negative feelings from my children, lest I make my problem their problem. And the third "partially" is that I was hiding that I had PPD because I am embarrassed about it and I don't want people to make a huge fuss over me. I MADE IT TO THE END OF THAT PARAGRAPH WITHOUT PUSHING DELETE ONCE, SO DAMMIT, IT'S STAYING IN. (Sorry, just a note to myself so that I wouldn't delete the paragraph right before pressing the publish button. Oh passive-aggressive side, you thought you could trick me, but no!)
And we've just been really busy in general. During this past blog-less month, we've also gone on a 4-day family vacation, celebrated Brian's birthday, Mother's Day, my sister's graduation from high school, and Brian was best man in a friend's wedding. So lots of good stuff too, but it's all been a little overwhelming for me and I let a few things slide, the blog among them. But now I'm hoping that I'm getting back on the bloggy waggon, cuz that's where the FUN is. Plus I've got some catching up to do and my OCD side keeps asking me "WHAT ABOUT THOSE EASTER PICTURES???? One day in the distant future, you will be looking back through the blog and wondering what happened for Easter of 2011 and THERE WILL BE NO ANSWER! HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE IT?" Yes, these are the conversations I have with myself. Back away slowly.